Thursday, November 18, 2010

What I Know

Recently, I stumbled upon a blog written by a girl named Sylvia.

As I read it, I realized we had a few things in common...we were both born and adopted in 1982 from Eastern Social Welfare Society, and we both happen to have daughter's named Zoey! Even spelled the same way!

As I continued to read on, I realized she was in the middle of a very big life changing experience.

She had recently found her birth parents.

And some sisters, aunt, uncle and cousins, the list goes on.

Through the magic power of Facebook, and since I love connecting with other adoptees, I was able to find her and we emailed a few times back and forth.

Today, she will meet her birth parents. In the flesh. Face to face. Here on US soil.

I am so thrilled for her to have this opportunity.

While I know that not every adoptee wishes to or is able to meet their birth parents, or members of their birth family, I am one that would like to.

But I have come to realize that I may not get that chance in this lifetime.

My story is like many others, I was abandoned outside an all boy's orphanage at about a month old. I was found, and cared for for a few days before my parents took me home, as they were living in Korea at the time. (yes things were a little different back then!)

I lived in Korea for two more years with my family before moving to the US.

I wish I could use this rockin' passport photo on my current one!

I had not been back to Korea since then, before I traveled there in April of '09 to pick up Zoey.

I did visit with a post adoption specialist while in Korea, who was able to give me a few details that I didn't know, but for the most part, I knew everything she told me about my adoption.

I'll be completely honest.

I had always wished there would be some long lost letter that my birth mother had written and left in my file after tracking down the agency I had been adopted from.

Or her name and address so I could find her if I ever made it back to Korea to seek her out.

Maybe I could meet her while I was there, as if she had been waiting all these 27 years for me to return to Korea and call her up.

It would all play out like a movie...adoptee returns to Korea to adopt her daughter, then meets her birth mother...they meet, they keep in touch...sounds so simple, right?

Needless to say, that didn't happen. And clearly, it's just not that simple.

When I was 15, I wanted to search for her.

I even wrote a letter.

A letter that was still in my adoption file when I went to pull out documents for our homestudy.

Even reading it today, makes me tear up. The girl who wrote it sounds sad, almost desperate. She's trying to find something about her past. Not because she's unhappy with her present, but because there are unanswered questions that keep popping up.

I don't remember being that girl for long...and I don't remember the urgency with which I wrote that letter.

I don't who she is, why she gave me up, who dropped me off at that orphange, why they didn't bring me in, why they didn't identify themselves, where they are now, if they wonder about where I am, or if they wish to know.

A person could make themselves go crazy with the endless questions.

But as I sit here today and write this post, I find myself more at peace.

Until I went back to Korea, there was always the 'what if'. What if there was more information, what if someone in my birth family had left their information at the agency, what if I was able to find them, what if my birth parents were dead, what if, what if, what if.

Now, I have more answers.

I know there is no information on any of my birth family.

I know that it would be very, very difficult to track them down.

I know that I can be whole without finding them.

I know that I will never stop wondering about them.

I know that being abandoned does not define who I am.

I know that I may never be able to meet the person who gave birth to me.

I know that some days facing this reality will be harder than others.

I know that some days I will go without thinking about it at all.

I know that God has a plan for me and it may or may not include finding my birth mother.

I know that I can be okay with this.

I know that I can be happy for other adoptees who seek out their birth family and find them.

I know that I can relate to those who wish to find them and cannot.

I know that I can respect the other adoptees who do not wish to search.

But most of all, I know that I am right where I'm supposed to be.

With loving parents, amazing siblings, a wonderful husband, two gorgeous children, and a great extended family.

That, I know for sure.


  1. okay, I am totally sobbing! Thanks for sharing your emotions and your feelings so candidly! You're right where God wants you and that is a beautiful thing! GOD BLESS!

  2. Thank you for this, I want my family to read to have some understanding of what my son *may* face, I know all people are different. It is so wonderful for you to share where you are at!